Back to the grind

We got my son moved in at BYU this last Saturday and I cried. Not as much as I did the first time round, but I did cry. The funny thing is that he came home for the day on Monday;) So, I guess it's just a mourning of sorts. It's that my kids are grown up. They are both adults. I have to accept that the time has gone by where they mostly need me. Now, they still need me, but I have to let them come to me, instead of trying to fix every little thing, trying to make their road easier than mine.

I think there are a lot of parents who are in my situation. You've been a hands on parent for so long that you now have to abruptly change your role. It is like a death has occurred, except it's your children thriving (which is awesome). I mean, isn't it amazing that you are privileged to be a parent, and that your kids turn out so awesome and amazing anyway?! It's not my doing, that is for sure! At least, I don't feel that way. How many times did I screw up? Probably a ton. Wow! My kids have turned out amazing!

I want my kids to always know how proud of them I am. I am the luckiest mom on the face of the planet to have these two boys! 

Now it's time for my husband and I to back away from hands on parenting and enjoy the love we have, spending time with one another. That's our favorite past time.

The picture above is for Healthy Solutions Spice Blends. Anyone can be a great cook with these. I'm just trying to decide which one to use next.

Continued from last post...

Remember that in every relationship, there are two people. That means, that in every relationship, when things go wrong, both parties are part of the equation. I should have learned that with my parents' relationship. But, I didn't. I didn't learn that it was up to me to break the cycle. I would have to learn the hard way...the very hard way.

This young man who had moved in above me, in my apartment complex, was very charismatic. He said things that I wanted to hear, needed to hear. He preyed on my vulnerabilities. He stalked me, and I didn't have any idea that this was going on.

After only a few dates, this man asked me to marry him. I had not met his family. He had not met mine. We didn't really know anything about each other (at least I didn't know anything about him). But, I said yes, because I had not ever been married before, and I was bored. Really? Yes. In my head, that is exactly what was going on. I was purposeless and wandering. In my head, I was just saying, 'okay. I've never done this before. Let's give it a go.' Seriously. My logic was so careless, carefree, I just didn't care.

So, the getting to know you started. It was slow. We were very "surface". He never spoke English, except to me (he spoke Spanish). I didn't know much about him because he could keep his secrets by speaking a language I didn't know. I had no idea what I was supposed to ask. I had no idea what I was supposed to know. Those types of things would have been taught to me as a young person, but I only saw the violence and the lack of love between people who made six children together, but who hated each other's guts. I may have been taught some of the things I should have known to ask and to learn. However, parents teach more with their actions than they do with any other method. My parents' actions were LOUD.

I still didn't really talk to my mother that much, but I had started to get warmed up to it again and was starting to talk more. It also helped that phone rates were changing, so long distance didn't mean so much money got spent.

When I told my mom that I was engaged, she didn't really do much but ask the details. She didn't talk about how displeased she was, but I could hear the worry in her voice. After all, she was my mother and that is what mothers do. She helped us plan the wedding and let us have it in the back yard of my parents' house in the Salt Lake area. 

My mother took me wedding dress shopping, doing a trade to get the dress for me. It was a trade with my step-father's accounting business. This wedding dress shop was his client. It was a lovely and generous thing to do. I will always be grateful for the time she spent with me and the bonding that occurred because of it. I felt I was being accepted for who I was and that felt warm and satisfying. 

The details were being taken care of for us. My parents and family were working together, for me. Me! They were all doing this for me. I don't remember ever feeling so special in my whole life. It was like a dream come true. Like a fantasy.

My older sister (who I have not really ever had a close relationship with) took me to a shop to get my hair done before the wedding. It was an amazing day. The fun conversations I had with her were amazing. I felt like her equal. I felt like she actually approved of me. I felt like I was part of her life. It was amazing!

...continued next post...